Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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