To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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