Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
