When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
