Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
