Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
