we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
