just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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