why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
