I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
