I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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