i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
