Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
