Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
