I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize