Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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