I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize