its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
