Michael Bay diarrhea
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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