Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Quick, to the slutcave!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
