You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
