hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
