just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
