Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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