You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
