just tell him i said nine months
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
