i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
