sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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