i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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