My girlfriend figured out who you are.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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