i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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