Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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