Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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