i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
