Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
