God gave him joint rollers for hands
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Text me some of your sweat
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize