At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
