i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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