Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
