I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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