I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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