Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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