please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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