HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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