it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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