Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Come see our sink grown plant.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
