there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
