I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
operation have a gay friend backfired
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
