gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
