I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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