my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
