Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
