1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
