Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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