im drinking this country out of the recession.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need a beard to bite.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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