I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
