Umm I'm too high to move.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
