I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I smell stomach acid.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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